Make your Mac sing

If you are on a Mac do yourself a favour – copy the below text, paste it in your “Terminal” window and hit enter. If you don’t know where to find Terminal, search for it in spotlight. It’s a useful thing for geeks writing code and stuff.

osascript -e 'say "oh This is a silly song silly song silly song this is the silliest song ive ever ever heard So why keep you listening listening listening while you are supposed to work to work to work to work its because i hate my job hate my job hate my job its because i hate my job more than anything else No its because youve no life youve no life youve no life and you better go get one after forwarding this crap" using "cellos"'

Yeah, this trick has probably been around for ages. It may prove entertaining for some of you Mac lovers though. Paste your song in a comment below 🙂

Schalk Burger is so tough that…

Schalk Burger

  • When Schalk Burger does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up; he’s pushing the Earth down.
  • When Schalk Burger goes swimming he doesn’t get wet, the water gets Schalk Burgered.
  • When the Tokoloshe goes to sleep every night, he checks under his bed for Schalk Burger.
  • Schalk Burger counted to infinity – twice.
  • Schalk Burger invented every colour. Except pink. Percy Montgomery invented pink.
  • Continue reading Schalk Burger is so tough that…

I don’t grow weed!

Just to make something clear: I don’t grow weed, I don’t sell weed, I don’t want to buy a hydro system, and I know it is illegal in most countries.

Why am I telling you this? Well it seems that the articles I posted in April of last year about a mysterious weed bush that popped up in my mother’s back garden, that then subsequently got eaten by our dog, is doing quite well with Google. In fact if you type “Weed bush” into Google I come up second in the search results. Second!

If you type in “Mother’s weed” I come up first in the Google search results! I’m sure my mother is very proud of me for making sure she can be found on Google. Similarly if you search Google for “My mother is growing weed” I come up first too.

Dog ate the weed

By writing this post I am probably further promoting it’s ranking, so it is probably not the best idea. I just find it too hilarious though. Almost as hilarious as some of the comments posted by stoned weirdos.

P.S. Can anyone help one of my readers, Rob. I’m sure he’d appreciate a professional opinion:
“Hi all, what do I do if my plants leafs are going brawn on the edges its just started budding and is about 4ft 5in high all the new leaves look good and the buds little white bits are about 5/8 of a inch am I doing something wrong “

The Youth of Today

Windsor KnotI was on the bus this afternoon, the 57 bus, returning from Wimbledon town. The bus was pretty empty…. that was until we picked up every Wimbledon school boy in a 10 mile radius. Surrounded by a bunch of snotty youngsters, who obviously believed it was very trendy to tie their school ties with the smallest windsor knot imaginable, I couldn’t help but eavesdrop on their conversation.

Snot 1: “What you wearing to Charlie’s party this weekend?”

Snot 2: “My mum got me a red Grandpa’s top. It’s well cool.”

Snot 1: “Well cool. I got two of those, one white one and one green one.”

Snot 2: “Yeah they well cool.”

If I had said I was wearing a Grandpa’s top to my mate’s party when I was a lighty I would have gotten the sh%t kicked out of me and then some. Grandpa’s tops are now cool. Cardigans are well cool.

The shocking news was still to come though.

Snot 2 announces to Snot 1 and other snots: “Alex and me are going for Brazilians this weekend.”

Silence. Say what? I tried not to stare. Surely not. Does he mean a Brazilian wax?

Snot 1 answers far to excitedly: “NO WAY! Well cool. Can I come?

Snot 2: “Sorry mate, it’s just me and Alex. We having our sack and crack done.”

Snot 1 is very envious. “Well cool. What about your back?”

Snot 2: “Nah. I don’t have any hair there.”

No sh%t you don’t have any hair there.

You’re like 15!