Schalk Burger is so tough that…

Schalk Burger
  • When Schalk Burger does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up; he’s pushing the Earth down.
  • When Schalk Burger goes swimming he doesn’t get wet, the water gets Schalk Burgered.
  • When the Tokoloshe goes to sleep every night, he checks under his bed for Schalk Burger.
  • Schalk Burger counted to infinity – twice.
  • Schalk Burger invented every colour. Except pink. Percy Montgomery invented pink.
  • Schalk Burger’s hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
  • Schalk Burger gave Mona Lisa that smile.
  • Schalk Burger can slam a revolving door.
  • Some kids p*ss their name in the snow. Schalk Burger can p*ss his name into concrete.
  • Schalk Burger’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; No-one fools Schalk Burger.
  • Schalk Burger can speak Braille.
  • Schalk Burger’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
  • Superman owns a pair of Schalk Burger pyjamas.
  • Schalk Burger has the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1993 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
  • Schalk Burger sleeps with a night light. Not because Schalk Burger is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Schalk Burger .
  • Once a cobra bit Schalk Burger’s leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  • Schalk Burger divides by zero.
  • When Schalk Burger exercises, the machine gets stronger.
  • Schalk Burger doesn’t use pickup lines, he simply says, “Now”.
  • Schalk Burger sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled rugby ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalised, Schalk Burger spear-tackled the devil and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
  • Schalk Burger can kill two stones with one bird.
  • Schalk Burger once devoured a whole wheel-barrow full of clay to prove to a friend that the expression “Sh**ing bricks” wasn’t just a figure of speech.
  • The only time Schalk Burger was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
  • Schalk Burger lets Chuck Norris act tough on TV. But Chuck Norris knows he’s on a short leash.

Source: Shebeen Boys Social Club
Image Source: Rugby World Cup

25 responses

  1. I think this perfectly tolls the end of all those Chuck Norris jokes. Soon everyone in the world will be telling Schalk Burger jokes.

    1. Who the hell is Scalk Burger?

  2. That’s what I was hoping Colin. Enough about a make believe character who fake ninja kicks, we have the Real Mccoy in South Africa.

  3. I’m sorry I don’t see how this is considered original or clever… 😛

  4. Who said anything about this being original or clever? It’s just stating the intimidating facts about Schalk to the Tongan team ahead of their clash with the Boks this weekend. They occasionally pop by here.

  5. =)

    By the way, did you see the new England Rugby Jersey? Vrek funny ^_^

  6. Haha I did. Very funny. I was actually chatting to a mate last night about it, isn’t it amazing how quickly a viral email can cruise around the internet these days?

  7. Schalk Burger is so tough that

    he doesn’t need a watch, he decides what time it is.

  8. Ha ha! This is classic Mark. Love your work.

    On the side, I was thinking: I wonder who’d win a fight between Sebastian Chabal and Schalk Burger.

    My money’s on Schalk – although it’d be a good fight.

  9. Hmm the Incredible Schalk versus The Seabass.

    Guess it would depend whether the Mutated Sea Bass had lasers?

  10. ‘Schalk Burger doesn’t use pickup lines, he simply says, “Now”.’ – classic… hahahaha

  11. Hi everyone! I love the Chuck-Norris like humour!

    There is a site dedicated to this — http://www.schalkburgerfacts.co.za
    You can sign up for a weekly email which include the top 10 facts. Fun stuff. Go SCHALK!

  12. This is quality – came over here from the BBC sport website. As an England fan, I can appreciate the monstrous qualities of ‘The Schalk’ – he is awesome. Here’s looking forward to a good final this weekend – and an England win of course 🙂

  13. Hi Mark, fellow SA here, also came around from the BBC site. Good laugh!

  14. schalk burger is my favourite!
    i live in argentina!

  15. […] Not bad at all, especially when added to all the visits from the CSS galleries I have recently featured in, and the backlink from the BBC Rugby World Cup Blog (that enjoyed the Schalk Burger jokes). […]

  16. Hey hotness!!! Youre the best!!! Mwah

  17. hey schalk im a huge fan iv seen u at the durban airport and u waved at me!Hope to see u again and hope to meet u.Luv ya lots!!!!!!luv from kirst ur number one fan

  18. Schalk Burger Lost his virginaty before his dad did. Schalk Burger was not borned normal, he punched his way out of his mothers whom, spear tackled the doctor and shortly after grew his blond locks. Since the birth of Schalk Burger spear tackle deaths in South Africa increased with more tha 500%. When Schalk Burger sleeps with a man its not because he is gay, but because he ran out of women.

  19. Burger het GEEN dissilpine nie. As hy in die game is moet jy maar net weet dat ons punte gaan afstaan deur sy disipline. Dit is maar net omdat Pappa weer ‘n bok was(en nie ‘n goeie een nie) dat hy een is

  20. Jaydee, I suppose his dad also won him the award of international player of the year in 2004?

  21. jaydee you clearly have the IQ of bread just go and look at the stats of Schalk, he is the greatest rugby player in the world and if Chuck Norris were afrikaans his name would have been SCHALK BURGER

  22. Ek het per ongeluk op hierdie site afgekom – kannie glo iemand het so baie tyd vir so baie k*k nie. Meeste is in elkgeval gesteel van die simpel Chuck Norris “jokes”

  23. Schalk Burger is so tough he once had sex in his car, a single sperm made it’s way to the engine and now the car is known as Optimus Prime!!!!

  24. If Schalk Burger was President, elke dag will be Donerdag!

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